Tag: books

Somewhere, a Labrador farted

Bloganuary writing prompt
What books do you want to read?
View all responses

Today I’m reading “Beach Read” by Emily Henry. It’s a romance.

The protagonist, January, writes romance novels. Don’t worry, she’s fully aware of what people think of romance authors, aka “women.”

January’s funny and smart; but also disillusioned, grieving and competitive. Her nemesis is Augustus and she thinks he’s pretentious. She calls him “Gus” and says he writes about “white guys wandering the world, misunderstood and coldly horny.”

He says she writes about love-struck pirates.

They were writing rivals in college and now both are successful authors of different genres. She calls his work “Hemingway circle-jerk fan fiction.” He refers to her work as “happily ever afters.” By the end of page seven, even the dumbest reader (often me!) figures out that “Beach Read” is a love story about January and Gus.

I’m not reading it for the plot. I’m reading it because it’s clever and fun. January drives a shitty Kia, drinks too much and connects a farting Labrador retriever to her late father’s mistress. What’s not to love?

I’m also reading because there’s insight into the publishing world: She and Gus are writing each other’s books with a promise to endorse each other’s books. Interesting.

And I’m reading it because it’s never a bad idea to learn something about the younger generation: January is 29. I’m not sure how old Gus and her best friend Shadi are, but they’re probably very close to 29, if not actually 29.

Oh! And on page 8, I learned that a “grow house” is a house where people illegally grow weed. Knowing that will come in handy, watch.

Emily Henry writes memorable tertiary characters. There’s Shadi, a waitress, who lives in a tiny apartment in Chicago and “saved the day by shaving her her head in the bathroom.”

And Grace! She’s in her fifties and “has the rounded shoulders of someone who’d spent a lot of time sitting, but not necessarily relaxed.” (Truck driver.)

And there’s snappy dialogue:

JANUARY: Any ideas for the not-terrible version of this book?”

AUGUSTUS: I mean, I liked the south-of-France pitch. That’s shit’s fire.”

Out of context, that probably reads terrible, but I assure you it’s snappy and hilarious.

***

As a struggling playwright, I like to study how successful authors write dialogue, comedy, tension and chemistry.

Correction: As a struggling playwright, I like to study how successful authors write.

***

I just realized the prompt isn’t, “Why are you reading what you want, Connie?”

Oh.

As Gilda Radner’s “Emily Litella” once said, “Never Mind.”

Thanks for reading my blog! -Connie

The allure of brown signs with white letters

Bloganuary writing prompt
Name an attraction or town close to home that you still haven’t got around to visiting.
View all responses
Missed it again.

You know those brown signs with white lettering that indicate a nearby attraction? I find them irresistible. Jesse and our kids seem to appreciate them, too. In the 19 years of being a parent, I can’t think of a single time anyone in my family has turned down the “opportunity” to follow a brown sign. I can confidently say we have checked out every scenic overlook, city park, museum, historic building, historic district, statue, sculpture, monument, memorial, bridge, what-have-you in the Rockford region.

Except one.

There is a brown sign indicating a train museum about 40 minutes from home in a town called Marengo. Jesse was the first to hear about this museum that’s a “repository of railroad history.”

“We should go,” he said in 2008, when we only had two kids.

“We should go,” he said in 2009, when we had three kids.

“We should go,” he said in 2010, when we had four kids.

“We should go,” he said in 2011. “It’s family friendly!”

We wanted to go, but the museum has limited hours. Every time we tried to plan a trip, the museum was closed.

“That’s too bad,” Jesse would say.

I didn’t think too much of it because I had only heard of the train museum through my husband. I had never seen a single ad — in print or online — about it. I had never seen a brown sign.

***

In 2014, the Des Plaines Oasis (a rest stop) permanently closed. This was bad news for the Kuntz family. We stopped there every time we went to Chicago. It was the last chance for us to use public restrooms without having to pay a toll or buy something. When the kids were little, this rest stop was essential to a successful trip.

When the Des Plaines Oasis was demolished, we were forced to use the truck stop in Marengo on our way to and fro Chicago. They have cheap gas, clean restrooms and you don’t have to pay a toll to exit or enter 90 but it’s somehow located too close and too far from home and our destinations. It wasn’t convenient but it is what we used. When we started going to this “pit stop,” I noticed the brown sign pointing the way to the train museum.

“Is that the train museum you’re always talking about?”

“Yes.”

***

I’ve lost count of how many times we stopped in Marengo to use the bathrooms. At least 100. And we’ve never once followed the brown sign. At some point, going to the train museum just seemed like work. And Marengo, I’m sure it’s a lovely town, but to us it’s where the toilets live. We don’t even call it Marengo. We call it “The Toilets.”

“Where are you right now?” I used to call Jesse when I knew he was on his way home from Chicago.

“Just passed The Toilets,” he’d answer. (Sometimes he called it “The Terlecks.”)

The Toilets = 40 minutes.

***

Now that the kids are older, we rarely stop at The Toilets in either direction but last week when I was driving Jesse to O’Hare, he said he needed to stop. As I drove toward the gas station, I saw the brown sign for the train museum.

“I can’t believe we never made it there,” I said.

“Maybe when we have grandkids,” he said.

***

Thanks for reading. Does your city have brown signs, too? -Connie

Seven free (or low-cost) things I do every week for fun

Bloganuary writing prompt
List five things you do for fun.
View all responses
Witch-adjacent woman waits for Aldi to open during an ice storm. What fun!

Hike. I love hiking in northern Illinois. It doesn’t matter if I’m alone, with the Rockford Fringe, or with my family — it’s always marvelous. But I love hiking out of town (or state) even more. I frequently daydream about where I get to hike next.

Blog. It’s good writing practice and always takes me on new paths of truth. Blogging is like hiking for the mind.

Mushrooms. Foraging for choice mushrooms brings gladness to my heart every single time. I also love cooking ’em up!

Witchcraft. I started reading about witchcraft several years ago when a friend of mine asked me rather seriously, “Are you a witch?” I was like, “Uhhh, no….” He patiently pointed out that I love nature and the outdoors and gave off a certain vibe and should look into it. I don’t usually like being mansplained, but I trusted him enough to read up on the subject and very quickly understood what he was implying. Witchcraft isn’t as scary as it sounds and it’s really just a new way of paying attention to the environment and each other.

If you’re curious about “witching,” here’s something simple you can do: Pay attention to whatever wild animals you see this week. Notice which one you see the most. That animal is trying to tell you something. Google their spiritual meaning and see if you can make sense of the message. Example: If you see several hawks this week, that can mean you are angry about something and need to work through it.

Fasting. In the spring, I fast for 19 days in solidarity with my Baha’i and Baha’i-adjacent friends. I rarely see these friends anymore so this practice helps keep me in touch with them, at least spiritually. It is fun to think of them and pray for them.

Read Romance Novels. Here’s a link to some NPR-recommended romance novels. NPR also introduced me to Emily Henry and Abby Jimenez. I’ll admit I’m a little embarrassed whenever anyone catches me reading a romance novel but the truth is these books can be a lot of fun.

Aldi. I used to detest grocery shopping but a few years ago, I decided to give Aldi a try. My whole world brightened when I discovered this small, approachable store with self-checkout. Now I look forward to shopping. I only wish I thought cooking was fun.

Math. I wrote most of today’s blog when I was in the parking lot at Aldi, waiting for it to open. I don’t usually write on my phone, but I thought I’d give it a try. As such, I wasn’t paying technical attention to what I was writing, lost count and went over the “five item maximum.” I hope you don’t call the #bloganuary police on me!

Thanks for reading. I hope you had fun! -Connie

My first spore print! Another fun thing you can do for free. Place your mushroom “gills down” on a piece of paper and let it sit overnight. In the morning, the spores will have fallen onto the paper and you will be able to properly ID your mushroom AND you’ll have a lovely piece of art!

One ringy dingy

This moment is brought to you by social media. That’s my mom Connie Ross, her dog Willow, and two books by Bob Hill.

Today’s prompt: If you could un-invent something, what would it be?

I was in fourth grade when I learned that Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. I kind of think that’s something that six-month-old babies know nowadays but yeah, fourth grade is when I learned about Alexander Graham Bell.

Moving on: I remember how Sister Margaret Rose told us that Mr. Bell failed numerous times before his contraption worked. She commended him for having “the patience of Job” to get the job done.

Sister loved a good anecdote and told us about Bell’s first phone call to his friend Thomas Watson:

“Watson was in the other room!…within earshot!…and Alexander Graham Bell called him!… It was how he tested to see if the telephone worked!…and when Watson answered, Bell said, ‘Come here I want to show you something!'”

My classmates and I cracked up with Sister. This was comedy gold.

***

A few minutes ago, I heard my 17-year-old son Sam sneeze. He’s in the basement and I’m in the dining room. I texted him, “Are you okay? I just heard a terrible sneezing fit.”

He texted back, “Yep. Sorry.”

***

Growing up in the 1970’s and 1980’s, when the phone rang, my father would say, “One ringy dingy” after the first ring. He rarely said, “Two ringy dingies” after the second ring because the phone was almost always answered by the the second ring.

***

I still do not know who “Job” was but I hear someone reference him and his patience at least once a month.

***

I just looked up “Patience of Job” on my phone. According to Catholic.com, Job was an educated Jew and probably lived in Palestine.

***

When I go to bed at night, I feel a moment of giddy anticipation knowing that when I wake up in the morning, I get to play the holy trinity of NY Times word games on my phone: Connections, Spelling Bee and Wordle. These simple word games are as integral to my morning routine as coffee.

***

After I finish Connections, Spelling Bee and Wordle, I check social media to see if anyone shared their “test results.”

***

When I was in eighth grade, I was in my prime…for making prank phone calls. I called Paesano’s, the local pizza joint, and ordered five extra large pizzas to be delivered to my classmate’s house. (Sorry Justin.) I called another classmate, disguised my voice and said I was calling from “Dialing for Dollars” and that she had just won a lot of money! She said, “Connie, I know it’s you,” and I hung up on her. (Sorry Megan.) I prank-called every single one of my eighth grade classmates, and denied it the second I was caught. Should I be in jail?

***

Most summers I’ll take a month or more off from social media. Last summer, I took three months off. I always lose weight during these hiatuses. And I always gain it back when I got back to social media.

***

Last night, a friend of mine shared a status update on social media stating that he had lunch with a fellow author / journalist. It was a name I recognized because he was friends with my late father. Though I hadn’t seen the author / journalist since the late 1970’s, I remembered him well and fondly. I mentioned in the thread that my parents had one of his books on their bookshelf. I went over to my mom’s today, told her about the “blast from the past” and she showed me two books. I love moments of friendship and books and it happened because of social media.

***

If I could un-invent something, it wouldn’t be my cell phone or social media. It would be electroshock therapy and other treatments that make people forget. Without these #bloganuary prompts that are delivered to my website, I wouldn’t have thought to remember any of these memories.

Thanks for reading. Hope this jogged some of your memories! -Connie

Ripped off…

The ripped out pages of Crush by Carrie Mac.

We’ve had a little library in our front yard for more than ten years and I still love it. There are new books in there every week and I take great pride in neatening it nearly every day. Sometimes someone will leave art supplies or a nice note in there. I am pleasantly surprised several times a month.

But this evening, I was unpleasantly surprised. I was walking Barbara and wasn’t wearing my glasses.When we walked by our little library, I glanced in and thought I saw several flyers messily strewn about on the lower shelf.

Occasionally someone will stuff a flyer in there for a local restaurant or a lawn care service or tax service. When this happens, I remove the offending advertisement and toss it into recycling. Our library is for free books or art supplies and the occasional approved free event. As much as I believe in supporting small businesses and shopping locally, our library is not a place for advertising someone’s for-profit business.

Back to those “flyers.” I made a mistake. They weren’t flyers. Once I opened the door to the library, I realized someone had actually ripped up the book Crush by Carrie Mac.

Crush had been in our little library for about a week. I’m not sure who put it in there, but I was happy to see the title! It’s short, 112 pages long, and it’s about a 17-year-old girl that is attracted to another teenage girl.

Here’s a picture of the back cover.

The torn off back cover of Crush.

My guess is some asshole* saw the book, got offended and ripped it up in a fit of homophobic rage.

Going forward, I am going to keep our little library well stocked with LGBTQIA literature. Please let me know your favorite LGBTQIA titles and I will do my best to add them to my library as soon as possible.

Thanks for reading. -Connie

*Rockford is home to numerous assholes. I’m sorry you had to find out here.

P.S. To subscribe to my blog, simply enter your email and hit “Subscribe.”

A fairly recent picture of our house with matching little library. Can you tell what day this picture was taken? Hint: BUNNY.

Two scenes — an interactive blog!

Today’s prompt: Who is your favorite author and why?

Sometimes actors are asked, “What’s your favorite role?” and they’ll answer: “The role I’m currently playing.” Younger actors might toss in a grand Shakespearean role to prove they have the chops.

It might go something like this:

INTERVIEWER: What’s been your favorite role to perform?

ACTOR: (pretends he’s never heard that question before) Oh, that’s a hard question. (looks lost in thought for a second) If I’m being honest…and I know this will sound cheesy…I’d have to say it’s….it’s…the role I’m currently playing!

INTERVIEWER: Fascinating!

ACTOR: (laughs) Ha ha ha, yes. (lowers voice to whisper) But I absolutely adored the time I played King Lear in the Finger Lakes. Such fond memories.

End of scene

***

BLOGANUARY PROMPT-WRITER: Who’s your favorite author?

BLOGGER: Oh that’s so tough. Let me think. If I’m being honest…and I know this will sound cheesy…I’d have to say the author I’m currently reading! (pauses, lowers voice) But I loved Herman Melville’s Moby Dick. Such fond memories.

End of scene

***

In the words of Natalie Portman, “No more questions.”

Thanks for reading. Who is your favorite author?

Connie

What’s in a signature?

Yesterday I went to the library. I picked out two books for myself: The Harlem Shuffle by Colson Whitehead and The Anthropocene Reviewed by John Green.

I noticed on the latter’s cover it had a little round “sticker” on it that said “Signed Edition” and, sure enough, when I cracked it open, Green’s autograph was right there. And it was in green!

I’d never run across a signed book in any library! At bookstores, sure, but never a library. I thought it must be a mistake. I accidentally returned my own book to the library once. Maybe someone else had done the same? But then I noticed he left an “explainer” on the purple page opposite his signature.

“I signed with some kind of Sharpie while sitting on the edge of the couch in my basement,” Green wrote. “This sheet of paper was then bound into your copy…”

Oh! So that’s how they do it.

He said he hopes his readers experience the same joy he feels whenever he comes across a signed book.

That’s nice.

I always thought authors signed their fully intact books. I had no idea they could just sign a large stack of pages, similar to how famous actors autograph their headshots. Green’s way is much more efficient than what I had imagined and I must say it’s smart marketing. When I saw “Signed Edition” on the book, at the library, I immediately grabbed the book.

I like Green’s writing but I’m not sure it was joy I felt when I saw his signature. In fact, his autograph and explainer triggered that nagging feeling I get when I’ve been manipulated. Of course, there are worse forms of manipulation than being nerdily coerced into checking out a library book. And I am hopeful that I will love his essays so much that I don’t mind. We shall see.

I do want to say that I know the “moment” Green is wishing for his readers and I’ve had one that I doubt will ever be topped.

Last year, my son Angelo (then 11 years old) had a doctor appointment. On his way out, the nurse said something like, “Help yourself to a book.” She motioned to a cart filled with used books. He chose a copy of Blubber by Judy Blume. He showed me his treasure when he got home and I was delighted to see he chose a Blume. Then I was shocked to see that Blume herself had signed it! I was in disbelief, but I looked up her signature and it is a perfect match.

My son and I read the book together and the tattered copy is prominently placed in our living room. I look at it nearly every day the same way I look at the Omar Odeh and Alice Klock art we have on our walls — with wonder, introspection and a touch of sadness.

I adored Judy Blume’s writing when I was young and all of my kids have read several of her books. My 15-year-old son Sam just walked by, peeked at what I was writing and said, “Judy Blume? Oh she has some good writing and good characters,” and walked away.

We have a Little Library in our front yard and most of our books go in there when we’re done with them. But not the Blume. I feel selfish about this. I know I should put it back out into the world so someone else can feel the same euphoria that all of us felt when we saw Blume’s autograph. But I can’t let go. What if I have grandchildren someday? One of them might want me to read it aloud to them.

I’m keeping it.

Thanks for reading. -Connie

You have that look!

There are two more books not pictured. Sam and Fern moved them to the dining room.

My kids started their spring break today. Sam, Fern, Angelo and I celebrated by going to the library to stock up on books. Jocelyn celebrated by waking up with a sore throat. She’s still working her way through Stephen King’s The Green Mile so in terms of reading material, she’s set. But I hate that she’s not feeling well.

Anyway, Angelo went upstairs to the children’s section and Fern headed to the teen center. Sam and I went to the stacks to search for a specific book. While we were there, a gentleman came up to me and asked me a question about the library’s 3-D printer.

“I’m not sure,” I told him. “I’ve never used it.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I thought you worked here. You have that look.”

I’m not sure what “look” he meant. I was (and am) wearing mom jeans, a turtleneck and Chucks. And as someone who has been to the library hundreds of times, I will tell you the librarians at Hart Interim always look professional. There’s a clerk who has worked there as long as we’ve lived here; he always looks dapper in his sweater, tie, pressed pants and tidy shoes.

After the man went away, I focused my attention back to book-finding. Sam and I continued scouring the stacks for The Road to Serfdom. When he told me it was published in the 1970’s, maybe earlier, I had a lightbulb moment.

“It’s too old to be in the stacks,” I told him. “I just assumed you were looking for a newer book.”

I said we had to ask the librarian to call down for it because they keep “old” books downstairs.

“I would,” she said, “but I’m the only librarian here so I can’t go down to the basement.”

“No worries,” I said. “I’ll just order a hold online.”

We have plenty of books to tide us over and I don’t mind ordering Sam’s book online for him. What concerns me is that she was the only librarian on duty. Doesn’t that seem unsafe?

Rockford, population 150,000, isn’t an enormous metropolis, but any building open to the public should have more than one person working in it. I will say there was a security officer there, too, but that still isn’t enough.

And that poor man who wanted to get into the lab? He’s probably still wandering around, asking strangers for help, desperately telling them, “You have that look!”

I’m being silly. He’s probably figured it out and I’m sure the librarian knows how to take care of business.

All in all, I’m glad the library was open and I’m looking forward to digging in.

Thanks for reading! -Connie

Reminder: Under a deadline to finish a play so my blog entries are shorter and less “thought out” than usual. Read at your own risk.